


Try Not to Think

by amandaskankovich



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 19:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandaskankovich/pseuds/amandaskankovich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soon after Ian takes off Mickey takes…let’s call it “solace” in someone unlikely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try Not to Think

**Author's Note:**

> I do not want this! But the idea got into my head and it wouldn't leave until I wrote it out.

So here’s the thing: He left.

He left.

And that was really all there was to say about it and maybe you’re the bad guy here. Because you are the bad guy right? You’re the one who got married after all when he begged you not to but…no. Because it wasn’t your idea and he should have known that. After 2 years he should have just known. After being right there in that room on that day that fucked everything up…no. Not thinking about that. You are not going to think about that.

So all of a sudden he gets all uppity with you? Like he’s never fucked married guys before? Like just because he hadn’t been there in the time before when Kash wasn’t married to Linda and when they’d just started that didn’t mean that time never happened. There was still a wife shaped hole in that room with them the whole time but that didn’t matter to him then so why did it have to matter now?

You don’t even have sex. You and the…wife. You’ve barely even spoken to each other. It’s hard to sleep with the sound of her breathing beside you at night and the heat of her body just…there. (And you try not to think because you’re not going to think of him when he was beside you or behind you with the heat of his body just there) She tried to touch you on that first night. She put her hand on your shoulder and you don’t know how or why but it felt almost like burning and you pulled away from her and you said: 

“No.”

And you thought maybe she’d ask why and you thought maybe she’d make some kind of fuss but all she said was, “Okay.”

And that was it. You got the sleeping bag out of your closet and that was it.

*

So he left.

And it’s not really real to you that this is it. That a fucking piece of paper would be the thing. After everything else that would be the thing. It makes you so fucking angry you could make yourself puke. The burn from the first night she tried to touch you it’s spread somehow all over you and you’re just angry and burning and frustrated all the time and there’s this nagging thought in the back of your head because yeah maybe it was your fault by getting married but he’s the one who ended things.

And you think about that how this whole thing started because he came into your room that day. Like you’d ever given that fucking ginger a second glance before that except that day you were going to kill him and then after that you’d glance at him the way you’d be expected to glance at the prick going into your sister. So maybe you’d looked at him that kind of way if you’d ever looked at him at all.

But he was the one who came in your room that day…in more ways than one.

Your point is he started it and he kept it going because he was the one who visited you in juvie and he was the one who wouldn’t stay away. He was the one who made you kiss him when you do not fucking kiss but there was his mouth right…there. Anyway he made you think that you could trust him. He made you think that you could fucking trust him when the list of people you actually trust you can count on one hand with fingers to spare and he did that to you.

And then he left like it was that easy like it was nothing.

 

And even if you’d always know he’d do that eventually. Leave for the army and maybe be a hero or maybe get blown up. Even if you always knew he’d leave you behind eventually that still doesn’t change how you feel about it and how you feel?

You can’t forgive him.

You won’t.

But now there’s this him shaped hole following you around and Mandy won’t talk to you because she blames you and she won’t even hear your side. Like you could even tell her your side.

Here’s the thing: You’re angry all the time.

Your shitty life is that much shittier.

But at least with this stupid fucking ring on your finger your dad doesn’t ask you where you go at night anymore.

So now you go out a lot.

*

How you end up at some fag club who the fuck even knows?

You’re not even sure how you knew where this place was. You didn’t learn it from him. He always knew enough not to ever think he could drag you somewhere like this and before him? You found ways to get laid. Certain parks. Certain restrooms. Certain football players staring at you a little too long. You found ways to get laid before him. You’ll find ways after and it’ll be better this time you think. You’ll be careful. Never the same guy twice. Never in a place where you could run into someone you know.

Maybe that’s why you ended up here. 

You’re not going to see anyone you know and if you do what could they possibly say?

But the music’s too loud and you were already a little drunk when you stumbled in here and maybe you picked some kind of grandpa themed night to stumble in because everyone around you is so fucking old.

So old.

You should leave. You’re going to leave. You’ll jack off to internet porn when…wife falls asleep. Or maybe before? There’s a tv in his room now and she’s used to guys jacking off beside her. She probably wouldn’t even care.

And if she does? Well it was your room first.

So you’re going to leave. You have every intention of leaving but then someone is placing a drink in front of you and the bartender tells you it’s compliments of some guy behind you and you turn to look because if he’s hot you can fuck him in the bathroom or his car or something why not?

You turn around and holy fucking shit.

It’s someone you know.

*

“Wow,” he’s got this fucking slimy ass grin on his face like this shit is fucking hilarious. You want to kick his ass. You want to kick his ass right now. You don’t know why you haven’t yet and the only reason you can come up with is that your head hurts, your skin burns, you’re tired.

You’re so tired that you find yourself somehow starting a conversation with the guy once he’s finally done teasing you about the whole thing. You keep waiting or maybe he’s waiting for one of you to bring up him and maybe he starts when he says, “How’s I-” but you must have murder on your face with that because he starts over and what he asks is, “So how’s your ass doing?”

You smirk at that. You don’t mean to.

“It’s just always nice to keep up with a patient you know. I like to be thorough.”

This situation is so fucked up and you know it’s only going to get weirder when you finish the first drink and he buys you another and then take a sip of that one and you finally say, “It’s pretty good, ” and then you drink the rest quick because if you’re going to do what you know you’re going to do no way are you going to be sober for it, “You want to see it?” you say.

*

He takes you to a hotel.

You’ve never been to a hotel.

“I’m living here,” he tells you, “Temporarily until the divorce is final and I can look for a place.” This place is bigger and cleaner and fancier than any room you’ve ever been in in your life and he apologizes for it?

“Dude, ” you tell him, “I don’t give a fuck.”

You ask if there’s any booze around. He says no and you know he’s lying. You guess maybe he’s afraid that one more drink will officially put this in some kind of dubious consent situation and you find that hilarious. Because you’re 17.

Gallagher was 16…

You feel yourself clinching your fists.

“What the fuck ever,” and you start to undress, “Can we just do this?”

And he gives you this look and you think for a second he’s going to back down and…no. You need to get this over with. You’ve been fucking the same guy for 2 years and now that’s done. 

If this is going to be your life from now on then it has to start now.

So you try to soften your face. You smile at him and you say, “Come on.”

And then he starts to undress.

*

It’s not terrible.

There’s some confusion at first about who will top but you decide pretty quickly it’s going to be him and it’s not…terrible. You both get off. You guess you could understand how someone could have done this with this person more than once. 

You guess you can see yourself doing this with other people in the future and that’s…fine.

It’s fine.

It’s just sort of…mechanical…if you compare it to the way it was with…

So don’t do that you tell yourself.

Don’t ever do that and you’ll be fine.

You’ll live.

He asks if you want to spend the night and you have no intention of doing that but it’s 4 in the morning. You’re starting to feel hungover.

You’re so tired.

So you say, “Yeah. Fine.”

He doesn’t try to cuddle or any shit like that and you’re grateful.

* 

The next morning he’s gone by the time you wake up but he leaves $40 on the table for a cab.

You order room service on his account.

You take a shower.

You steal all the little bottles of booze from the minifridge.

Your cab finally comes and you leave.

And that’s it.


End file.
